Drawn to Pain
Why do negative comments have so much power over us?
(Content warning: strong language)
The morning after the TechCrunch announcement that I had sold my KyleBrush brand to Adobe, I made the mistake of logging into Twitter for my usual check-in with followers and followees.
Some things I found in my ‘@’ notifications:
f**k u kyle webster i’ll make my own brushes.
F**k Kyle Webster for selling out.
hey kyle way to d**k over your fellow artists.
Kyle T Webster should be f**ked with a railspike.
There were dozens of comments like this. The last one is particularly disturbing (and violent) and it gave me a stomach ache, bringing up nasty memories of threats and physical injuries from the bullies in my life.
On the flip side, there were many, many more positive comments— hundreds of them on social, in my inbox, etc.
But which comments did I linger on and read repeatedly? The negative and hurtful ones. I let them burrow in and set up a huge camp in my brain for weeks.
Why do we allow the negative and pessimistic comments from others to take up more space in our psyche?
I’m no psychologist, but I suspect it comes down to our desire to be liked by our fellow humans (unless we are sociopaths). Most of us would prefer it if others thought highly of us, or at the very least, didn’t despise us. It comes down to survival instinct, perhaps; smile, be agreeable and don’t offend, and there is a better chance you won’t get kicked out of the tribe (or worse).
So, if we *think* others are displeased with us, it makes us uncomfortable and it is difficult to put it out of our minds, even if the number of people who have a bone to pick are insignificant and greatly outnumbered by those who like us just fine.
Thanks to the internet, total strangers can lob insults and threats at us for little or no reason at all. In fact, as social media has taken over, death threats between fans over which storylines in any random beloved franchise are “cannon” are now seen as perfectly normal.
But as common as all this negativity and animosity has become, we haven’t evolved quickly enough as a species, psychologically speaking, to *not* feel the sting of each and every one of these personal attacks.
Worse still, even if we know that the “Comments Section Road” will lead to suffering when we see the beginnings of a pile-on, we often read on to the bitter end out of some overwhelming sense of almost masochistic curiosity.
What to do? How do you take away the power of these comments?
First and very importantly, you must know and accept this about the vast majority of comments you receive online about you or your work: the people writing them have never had the pleasure of getting to know the real you. They are not your family members or friends, or even acquaintances. To them, the entirety of your being is comprised of a brief bio with a profile picture — nothing more.
Are they insulting your character, your integrity, your true self? Of course not. They are literally attacking some pixels and a few words on a screen—not a human being. Not YOU.
Let this sink in and acknowledge it as an absolute truth.
Second, try this:
Create a folder on your desktop, your tablet, or your phone that reads, “Proof.”
Find any email, tweet, post, comment or message from somebody who has thanked you for something you have created or written something positive about you/ your work.
Copy and paste these positive notes into your “Proof” folder.
Read as many of them out loud as you can any time you are letting the trolls get to you.
Repeat as necessary.
Even if you only have a handful of these friendly comments, remember that they are of huge importance because they are undeniable proof that your actions have had a positive impact on others.
And isn’t that the whole ball game?
This is not only helpful on a personal level, but on a creative and business level. If you know your work is bringing a smile to people’s faces or is helping them in some way (you have proof!), then it is probably work worth doing. So keep right on going, stay on track, and …
f**k the trolls.
Thank you for reading. If you like what I’m doing with this newsletter, please share a link to this or any other issue with your friends. It’s the best way to help me grow and to keep me writing.
👇Resources are below, as usual. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other, remember to be kind, and I’ll say, Ciao for now.
Resources
Hey, there is a crazy Black Friday sale going for my meditative drawing app, Lines of Zen. Right now, you can get a full year of the app with all of the drawing exercises for just $15!
I just added another free resource to my Gumroad: a set of harmonic armatures to lay over your art files (both PNG and vector shapes are included).
If you are an artist concerned about A.I. scraping of your data/images, you may wish to try Glaze to add some protection to your work.
My 4+ hour Adobe Fresco Illustration & Animation course is still on sale for the ridiculously low price of $7.99. It has 100% positive reviews, as well 🙂.
Kyle, I let haters get me down for decades. I never felt good enough. Thin enough. Pretty enough. I trusted people who turned on me. So I turned away from my early punk photos and kept to myself more than I usually do.
Took years for me to agree with pals told me haters were just jealous. I tell true tall tales and show my photos. Which I am turning into a membership site.
And that's a threat for some. I tell tales. I bring receipts. Gotta shut me up. Gotta steal my photos.
BUT ...
In the last two weeks, Shep Fairey released a gorgeous Joe Strummer poster based on my photo of Joe.
The Punk Rock Museum negotiating for about a dozen photos to sell as postcards. Most of those dozen and others are in their permanent exhibit.
I ran a sale.
I was flooded with REMINDERS that ppl really not only LOVE my photos ... THEY THANK ME.
No longer will I tolerate fools. Being online, and hearing and reading so much support for MY creations, I realized who is the LOSER. Not I! Not YOU!
Arrogant, ignorant, not talented or motivated to do what ONLY you and I can do, jealous, unhappy, insecure, etc ... choose any or combos or all of those adjectives ... and haters gotta hate.
THEY miss out on the FUN! The ACCLAIM! The wonderful warm support that surrounds creatives. ESP if generous like you! I have given away so much! Info and photos and more. Drove ppl all over to shows. Fed them. Housed them. Helped make some famous via my photos!!
When ppl DO get to know you, they ARE grateful. Grateful to BUY YOUR ART, your tools, your creations!! Love seeing behind the scenes. And that you reach out to ppl in so many ways.
AND HONORED they know the artist behind what they love. Tools. Inspiration. And so much more.
I dwell on some of the haters cos some were pals. I helped so many. But obviously they don't value my friendship more than dissing me. And sometimes passing MY photos off as theirs! That is rampant!! THAT tells you what kind of disgusting people they are!
Advice to all: stay focused on what makes YOU happy. Makes others happy . Hopefully makes money. Or not. Or make art just for yourself.
As Kyle stated: eff the trolls.
PS However, the hostility level is off the charts! So artists can't make a living? They can't sell tools to other others? Can't work with a company that has far bigger reach than any Pshop artist will ever have?
I guarantee these ppl complain about not making enough money. And they lack talent. Cos they are gonna make brushes like Kyle?? On what planet does this make sense?
THAT is vital!! Look at their outta touch craziness. The vitriol is astonishing. I don't expect everyone to agree with everyone. But wishing harm and being so nasty just cos you agree with someone? About ART tools??
People are scary. Thankfully, more people are decent. And some, like you, Kyle, are EXCELLENT.
Thank you!! Happy Holiday Season. Or as Mae West famously said: "Every day's a holiday."
Google her! Mae West was a very funny, very brilliant writer and actress. She single-handedly saved Paramount Studios from ruin during the Depression. Early 1930s. Cos her movies were full of sexual innuedos. Lots of fun!!
I have been buying your brushes since the beginning. Trust me you did not sell out. You just had to do the next level in your career. These trolls are just jealous of your success. If you think about it, it’s better to signup with Adobe and get all your brushes (past and future updates) for free, instead of buying them individually. Just keep getting bigger and better, there are more of us on your side! Once again, a million thanks to your brushes that helped us a lot in our work!